I am EVA
by Eternalukyou
Summary: Shinji is heaving voices in his Eva, the voice of love, or truth, and ulimately of death.


I am Eva  
By: Eternal_Ukyou  
Please don't ask me what I was smoking when I wrote this. I have no idea! I hope you enjoy my little blurb of insanity.  
Eva characters, not mine  
  
Shinji screamed wildly tugging at the controls with all his strength. Fear, and panic had over taken him long ago. His adrenaline was at the bursting point, he shook wildly with a fear like never before. The Eva would not obey, it refused to except his signal. What was happening, he faintly remembered wondering, but fear, sheer raw fear blurred most of the memories. There was the angel and he was in the Eva, looking out of it's view ports. Then there was the angel and he was the Eva, for only a fleeting second, then he was himself again, back in a body racked with fear of something bigger than himself. Before, weeks ago, piloting had almost seemed laughable. They could not loose.. But now he was thinking other wise. The now was wising him up and fast. And right now Reality was flying toward his brain cage. Then for moment, frozen in time he heard a voice, like a woman yawning, a flash of blue light and a soft 'ohayo.'   
"What going on?" he screamed. "Who are you!" Nothing answered except a loud beep. His battery was dead the Eva went silent. His eyes went wide as he looked at nothing. Tears rolled down his soft cheeks. There was no sound for a moment, then a sudden *THUMP THUMP THIUMP!* The angel was hammering on the Eva. Slamming it, it caused the entry plug to shake violently, Shinji was thrown forward, and would have been ripped form the seat if not for the harness. He could feel the LCL swilling around him. He closed his eyes and prayed silently to a god he didn't have, wishing for something that didn't exist. Salvation. He knew at that very moment it was all over... and then he slipped from himself one last time.  
  
"Shinji..." a soft, gentle voice cooed. "Can you hear me...?"  
"Who--who are you..." He looked around, he seemed to be floating in a crimson sea, alone, with out anything except his body.  
"Shinji.... Come and join me." A laugh... a familiar laugh. Then, from behind, arms where around his, holding him in an embrace full of artificial warmth.   
"What's going on? What is this place?" He tried to see the one who held him, who swallowed him in sweet embrace.  
"This... is no place." The voice whispered into his ear. "This is a place between reality, fantasy, and instrumentality. Here is where you want it to be."  
"I -I don't under stand... instrumentality?"  
"A brain child I only wish I had more of a hand in... I'm am the vessel, and you, it's captain. Do not deny you destiny Shinji... bond with me..."  
  
Shinji opened his eyes, fury and rage coursed through his veins. He reach out and grasp the angel's 'arm' and ripped it away, attaching in to him self. He didn't understand these instincts, this body, these thoughts that where wild, beast-like, primitive in a technical sort of way. He rose his body up, and howled into the night, beating the angel down with his big, un-matching hands. Death, escape, freedom, the only things in his mind as he ripped the angel to pieces with his strong jaw, swallowing the bitter meat, taking the angel into himself. He never thought twice about this action, feeling it was perfectly normal. A cruel revenge.  
  
"Mother is that you?" Shinji spun weightlessly in the primal ocean that had engulfed him.  
"Yes Shinji... "  
"Where have you been? I thought you where..."  
"I have always been here, you just never noticed. I have always been inside the Eva, for, I am the Eva. Eva was My child, and my child swallowed me whole. I lost my physical form so that I may rise to a higher being..." The voice paused. "Your shaking, is something wrong?"  
"I... don't understand... your dead! Dose that mean I am dead too?" He looked at his shaking hands. "Did-Did I lose to the Angel? Did I fail?"  
"No, Shinji. You won, you are now what they can never be and what I have always been. You are EVA unit-01. You have the power now, to see through a lost set of eyes, to be a being that no one but you and I can be."  
"But I-I- Still don't understand how this can happen... what about Misato, Asuka and Ayanami? Where are they? Are they here too."  
"There is no one here but you Shinji, just you."  
"But I though you where here? Isn't that how your talking with me?"  
"I'm not really here, but I am at the same time. I'm just a projection of my self, I do not know where I am. Or how I got there. But I know I exists and that is all that matters to me."  
"You are content being self aware?"  
"Aren't you Shinji? Aren't you happy just being alive? Knowing that others recognize you as a person? Knowing others have perceptions of you?"  
"I-that doesn't make any sense at all! How can I be happy because other perceive me? They all hate me! Why would I care what they think!"  
"Because with out them... what would you be? If you are alone do you really exists? I have asked myself that question many times, and I still wonder if I exists now because you can see and hear me. Did I not exist before your existence brought me back ...? Do I even exist at all or am I merely a figment of stress, and of the mind of Eva? Is this place real? This LCL ocean? Are you real or are you just a projection of something else Shinji?"  
"I am real!" he shouted  
"How can you be sure?"  
"Because people see me, they recognize me! They have feelings toward me! I know I exist, They depend on me because I'm the only one that can do it, I am the only one that can pilot Eva! Even if they hate me they know I am their only hope!" He yelled, shaking with a feeling he could not name.  
"How can you be sure, this isn't a dream?" The voice whispered.  
"I can't be sure.. and... and maybe that's the beauty of existence... the fact that it's so impermanent fragile and you can never be sure this is the real reality..."  
"Then how can you be sure your the only one like you in this existence, or this dream? How can you be sure that this is real? How can you be sure of anything?"  
"I-" Shinji stopped, floated in a complete circle, then spoke again. "I can't be sure, I can't be sure of anything. Not of myself, or of my friends, or even of my father, or... of you, Mother I can't assume this is the true reality, and yet, I do. I just take everything as if it where real, and it mattered. But if in the end I find out it is not, then all of my efforts have truly been wasted, and so had this life, with it's childish dreams..."  
"You speak as your father did when he first asked me the same question... you are truly Ikari Gendou's son." The voice came closer, then backed away, and closer again. Something about this place made his strangely calmer by the minute, as he absorbed the information slowly, chewing and digesting it thoroughly before deciding it was truly the truth that was. And Still is for that matter. Because one persons' truth, are all man's truths are they not? You can not change the nature of what is true and what is not if it is, in fact, truly true. For the truth is eternal, and unchangeable. If it is not true, then it is false. And what is false can never be true, but can what is true sometimes be false?  
"Is this.. is truly 'no place' and you are truly my mother.. then who am I?"  
"Ikari Shinji, 3rd Child. Son of Yui Ikari, And Gendou Rokunbougi. Pilot of Eva Unit 01." The voice said, sounding slightly more mechanical than it had before.  
"And where is the Eva?"  
"All around us... We are the Eva Shinji. You and I are here together, destined to carry humanity to instrumentality. If you bond with me Shinji... you can save humanity from the future, and guide it to salvation..."  
"There is no such thing as salvation!" Shinji half yelled coolly. "If there was, I would have long ago reached it."  
"Child... my beautiful child... you will find it when it's you turn. Their are many ahead of you in line. Many you know... There is some one in you near future who was born to meet you...do not let him down..."  
"Someone born to meet me?"  
"Yes, Shinji, his only reason to live it to be with you... as you where born to pilot Eva. We are all born with a purpose. And mine was to create this... this beautiful creature... and hellish monster... My sweat tears and blood are in every inch of it's being, just as I am... as much as I can be.. for I am still unsure how true 'I' am and how true 'I' will continue to be in the near future."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Shinji... when you where young, your father used to try and figure out whether you knew of your fate, whither you dreamed of it when you still knew no more about the world that you crib and me. Did you dream of a sad future Shinji?"  
"Mother... I don't underst-"  
"Did you dream of a sad future Shinji? When you where an infant, did you see this?"  
"I-I don't know... I only know that my only wish is for a salvation that doesn't exist. That is the only thing I am absolutely sure of... That some day I will die.. and I can lay at peace with the world around me. I am also sure... that no one will cry when I do."  
"No one, Shinji, no one at all?"  
"No one, not even my father..."  
"I will.... And so will he... He loves you Shinji... he just needs me to show him how..." Shinji suddenly felt wrapped in his mother's ghastly embrace. "I am you salvation Shinji... I am what you search for. But Live Shinji, for the boy who lives for you. And when you're ready to die, come back to me and we will carry humanities souls on our backs!"  
  
~Owari~ 


End file.
